Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.