@ImTheSheriff Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
@ClearlyJane Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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@ImTheSheriff 
@Mike__Lee Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
@velvettusk A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
@jonnysun its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
@MikeZakarian Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
@lazerdoov Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
@MaraWilson *Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
@itsBABYSMITH *flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
@cambuslad You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
@FrenulumBreve *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*