Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.