@ClearlyJane

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

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@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

@velvettusk

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

@jonnysun

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@lazerdoov

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

@MaraWilson

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*