Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
genius
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”