Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?


Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.


Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…


I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.


The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.


My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”