@Jennifergr8

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

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@trevso_electric

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

@CatherineinAL

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

@mxmclain

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@MoistPork

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@jaslakhmna

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !