@Jennifergr8

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

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@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@thagr8short1

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

@NickSchug

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@trevso_electric

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”