Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me: