landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
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I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*