landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you


I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.


I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.


Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.


I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting


A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’


If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.


If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.