Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)