Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it