I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I’m good, thanks.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope