My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I love the honesty
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.