@curlycomedy

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

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@kimtopher22

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

@causticbob

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

@PhuckinCody

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

@DanMentos

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

@un_d_ciphered

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

@Prof_Hinkley

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.