@curlycomedy

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

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@CulturedRuffian

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

@david8hughes

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

@Cheeseboy22

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

@JohnFugelsang

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@sonictyrant

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

@TheFirstDudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.