Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling