Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
2023 was just a warmup
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
A couple who are silly together stay together.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
my dad has had enough
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.