landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
#FunnyLife Insects