landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
You Might Also Like
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.