*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.