Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Haha good job!!
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
What a website
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage