lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”