Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[eulogy]
line?