LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
This is my bus stop.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.