Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.