Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window