Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Wait a minute
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!