LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
house sitting!
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.