Lassie, get help!
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
There are no pants in heaven.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?