Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Nice try Hitler
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”