@BombChelleMama_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

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@BeamishBoi

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@PajamaBen_

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

@Shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@AndyRichter

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

@slimmy_shady

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

@JohnHilsen

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

@JermHimselfish

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

@CryitoutMom

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

@Reverend_Scott

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.