Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

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*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”


If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.


*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you


To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.


After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers


Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.


You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.


Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.


I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.


NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.