@david8hughes Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
@BombChelleMama_ Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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@david8hughes 
@rn_murse (at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
@ChicksRule Harsh but fair
@2tickytacky If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
@NewDadNotes Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
@CulturedRuffian You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
@FrenulumBreve [Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
@AnkCoupleTO [skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
@SardonicTart How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
@DanielleKGrier It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
