Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.