@wilnettleton

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

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@ddsmidt

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

@MarfSalvador

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

@Izianikapani

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@Stellacopter

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

@TheToddWilliams

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both