“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
You Might Also Like
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me