[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Breaking news:
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s