last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps