[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
im 7 sauces long
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Customize Your Wedding.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.