[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
No, I don’t think I will.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma