@thepunningman
@LuvPug It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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@LuvPug 
@Cryptoterra The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
@TheWriteStuff2u Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
@mayamanion My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
@TheAlexNevil I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
@Petote *hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
@mydmac I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
@TheWidowmakerX (Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
@Shade510 Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
@RxitWounds [Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?