[last meal on death row]



“Say when”

*winks to camera*

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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication


The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.


Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”


My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week


I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.


*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*


I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.


(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack


Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably


Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?