[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork