@thepunningman

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

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@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@Cryptoterra

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

@mayamanion

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@Petote

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@TheWidowmakerX

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

@Shade510

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?