It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[last meal on death row]
*winks to camera*
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The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Dude open the door!
*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?