Last-minute gift idea!
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.