Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
good morning
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?