Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You Might Also Like
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The first one, obviously
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.