Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?