Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.