Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I didn’t realize that was an option
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”