last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN