Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.