Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
You Might Also Like
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.