@LMLMadness

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

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@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@scot7a

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

@Jez1

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

@NikiWithIssues

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

@envydatropic

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

@THEDUTHCHESS

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had