Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.