Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
You Might Also Like
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Covid like
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems