last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
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Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
how high up are we talkin’?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.