Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
You Might Also Like
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM