Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.