last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
You Might Also Like
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.