Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
titanic
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“Sheer Arrogance”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Just this preview of the story is enough
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference