Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Chemical wingman
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
