Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Ah yes. The three genders